Money and happiness...

...are not the same thing at all.

"A Real Life" (book I am reading) is putting things into perspective a bit - I haven't really considered that despite our MUCH larger debts, larger houses, more cars, and more THINGS in general, we, as a society, are much less happy than we were 100 years ago.  We believe our quality of life has been much improved...while I am not suggesting we all live as we did a century ago, I admit we seem to be going the wrong way as a society.  Scary.  I see people around me who have chased money and career, and are very obviously unhappy - and I worry about making that mistake.

With all our connectivity, we are isolated, most of us are lonely.  Why? It seems so counter-intuitive, doesn't it?  Over the past century (or two, I have no real measure), we have become less and less focused on relationships.  This is evidenced by the way we spend our time (staring at TVs, video games, and even my weakness - books) and our money (on more stuff!) - these things don't promote our relationships - REAL ones - at all.  By real ones, I mean relationships in which we share dreams, fears, concerns, and joys - open and vulnerable relationships that don't need entertainment to thrive, they only need each other.  How many of those do we even have?

I am preaching to myself - I spend whole nights with my own husband simply watching TV, and then wonder why we don't feel close.  Being in the same room doesn't make us connected at all - in fact, that much time close to someone that involves no true sharing and focused attention on each other could actually drive us apart over time.  Something we need to work on...

More to come as I think about this.

Checking out Jacksonville...

My first day of Jacksonville exploration:

A. Land at airport.
B. Head to hotel at Atlantic/Neptune Beach, first thing I see is factory smokestacks - yuck.
C. Second thing I see is a lot of old and some new over-commercialized big-box retail - yuck again.  That may seem odd since I work in the industry, but it's not my cup of tea when choosing possible places to live.
D. Check into hotel - very nice and plush, lovely services included, right on the beach.
E. Drive to Riverside and Avondale to check out the areas - more walkable, bungalow houses, sidewalks - I actually liked it.  Had lunch at The Cozy Tea, a proper sweet tea house.  Also discovered some great boutiques and a small/independent movie theater!  Very nice.
F. Drove to San Marco to check out that area - similar to Riverside, but a tiny bit less walkable, but some cute houses.
G. Headed back to my hotel, feeling a bit better about finding a possible nice place to live that's close to the JAX office - IF the job is a fit.
H. Watch Lord of the Rings in hotel for a bit, cry.
I. Walk on the beach.
J. Have a margarita and some shrimp at a beach bar, on the upstairs patio.  Read a book.
K. Random girls invite me to hang out with them since I am alone - I was about to leave, so we didn't hang out, but it was very friendly of them.
L. Come to hotel, wash the day off, get into PJ's - ahhhh.
M. Discover Harry Potter movies on TV - evening complete, with the Milano cookies that the docent put in the room because I love them!

Not a bad day.  Tomorrow, Wes and I are off to explore some more...

The right place?

I am having a slightly tough week.  Or maybe really tough.  My brain is totally weighed down.  I feel stressed, but the type of stressed where I want to sleep, zone out, be a hermit.  I hope that doesn't sound like being depressed. I hope I'm not depressed.  That would be depressing.

There's no one singular reason for my general lack of well-being right now - it's probably a mix of lots of things.  Men are like waffles (they can compartmentalize into small boxes, nothing affecting anything else), women are like spaghetti (everything is tied together in one large hunk of issues)...

But I think the root of my problem is that I don't feel like I am in the right PLACE.  I've known for years that Atlanta isn't the most fitting city for me/us, but I've always been willing to accept and make the best of our time here for now.  

Then, I was recently offered the opportunity for promotion/advancement within my company.  The promotion involves a 2012 move to Jacksonville, Florida.  I have been considering the position and the logistics of moving for a couple of weeks now...and the more I think about it, the less I want to go.  I have zero desire to be in Jacksonville.  I enjoy the occasional day on the beach, but I am learning I am really not a beach person, or even a pool person - not on an everyday basis, anyway.  I like cities.  I like villages.  I like greenery and gardens and parks set in the middle of walkable areas.  I like history, and life happening around me, but having a haven in the middle of all that life.

I am having a hard time reconciling my desire to make more money with my desire to NOT live in Jacksonville (for a variety of reasons - commute, the city itself, the office environment there, etc.).  By complete chance, I just won and received a book from GoodReads - a book called "A Real Life" - a book about the fact that our lives have become centered on money and things instead of real happiness - peace, rest, intellectual stimulation, friends, etc.  It couldn't have come at a more fitting time - the one time I am heavily debating lifestyle preferences vs. money and career advancement.

So, we (myself and Wes) are traveling to Jacksonville this weekend to check out the area and discuss the position with the Jacksonville team.  But my gut tells me it's just not right.

However - my general feelings of discontent right now go deeper than this job question.  My gut tells me we're not in the right place at all.  I don't know where the right place is.  I am only truly drawn to (A) Europe or (B) colonial cities in the US.  I am not sure my husband is drawn to either, while my heart is literally crying out to go.  I dream about being elsewhere. I consider totally beginning again in a new place with a bookstore job, or a receptionist position, or something equally small.  Simply being in the right environment seems like utter bliss to me.  My heart says that if I could get to the truly right place for us, I could be so content outside of money or career, and inside the things that really matter - the quiet moments, the friendships we develop, the time spent just enjoying the world with my husband.

At the same time, my brain tells me there's a lot to consider about moving to a new city or a new country.  

Heart or head?  Heart or head?  My feelings have evolved from feeling like we'd simply FIT better in another place, to really feeling like we're not in the right place now.  I am just struggling with how to address the issue. 

Amelia Island. I recommend it.

At the end of June, following our amazing night at the NKOTBSB concert, Ann, Lindsey, and myself piled into the car with our luggage and some snacks and headed to Amelia Island for a few days of R&R.  I had never been to Amelia Island/Fernandina Beach, so I had no idea what to expect, but I had read the town wins awards for being the best small beach town to live in, etc.

We were surprised to NOT take the interstate for much of the drive - a lot of it was on highways through smaller Georgia towns.  That wasn't so bad, it did break things up a bit.

The island itself is small, but very cute.  The beach is long, and there are almost NO hotels/condos on the beach - it's all houses/beach cottages, which gives it a homey feel, more relaxed and less touristy.  The beach is clean, with soft sand, some shells and no seaweed (at least while we we there).  Beach parking is free everywhere - HUGE plus!

The historic Fernandina Beach area is too cute - walkable, with nice shops and restaurants. There's a state park on the island, a lighthouse, and loads of outdoor space for kids to play.  


It was an incredibly relaxed trip - so relaxed, in fact, that for two nights we were in the hotel by 9:30 PM, curled up with books and watching movies.  On some trips, that would seem like a waste - but it seemed natural, comfortable, and relaxing.  I hardly ever get to totally switch off at home, so being in bed with a book, snack, and movie was very nice.  We also caught a movie in the theater on a rainy day, drove/explored randomly, ate some yummy seafood meals, and walked around historic Old Fernandina Beach.  We found a beach side bar that had live music, great atmosphere, and a lovely view of the dunes. 

Because there are so many places I want to visit/see, it's rare I will vacation somewhere twice, but I would definitely go back to Amelia Island, no question.  Next time - totally taking the dog.

 

Boy Band Concerts.

I have been to a lot of concerts.  All sorts of concerts.  Tiny (15 people) to huge (25,000 people), Rock, country, alternative, pop, bluegrass, etc.  Indoors, outdoors.  Lots.  

I typically enjoy concerts.  But the most fun I have (admittedly) ever had at a concert has to be the New Kids on the Block.  I discovered this halfway by accident.  I liked the New Kids when I was young, but being born in 1983, I wasn't even 10 when they were huge, so I was at the end of their fan curve.  Then I listened to their cassette tape a lot for several years. So a couple of years ago, when they came out with two new songs I liked (Summertime and Single) and decided to tour, Wes and Ann got me tickets to their Gwinnett Arena show - halfway serious, halfway joking, I think.

But THEN we went - and it was the most fun concert I had ever been to.  The fans were tremendous, never sitting down, dancing and singing the entire time, and really participating in the whole show.  And the guys in the band totally fed off that.  Fast forward to the second time I see them - with Wes, in Nashville.  Awesome again.  Third time - outdoor show at Lakewood, in the rain - awesome again.  When they finally announced their return to Atlanta with the Backstreet Boys, there was no question I'd go see them.  

And this last concert cemented my belief that while boy band songs can sound mega-cheesy on the radio or stereo, they are perfectly suited to fantastically fun concerts.  No question.

So while I won't be attending a boy band show to hear stunning instrumentals, I will be attending to dance, sing, and have a terrific time.  Now, if NKOTB and BSB would only tour with NSync...

Babies = not for me

I try pretty often to envision myself as a parent, and I just can't do it.  The whole enterprise seems horrifying.  Being pregnant, giving birth, and then making the life changes to raise a child - it all seems like a scary movie.  

I know the pluses - the love you feel for a child, how rewarding it is to be a parent, etc.  Friends who are parents tell me all the time that all the bad is just so outweighed by the good.  But I feel terrible for them when I see them being limited, not being able to go out, stay out, live their normal lives because there's a miniature human being at home demanding their attention.  Ugh.  I respect them so much for being giving, nurturing individuals.  I don't see myself as un-giving or un-nurturing (I know those aren't words), but I also really don't see myself as a parent.  Wes wants children (one day, in the far future) IN THEORY, but in practice, I don't know if we'll reach a point of being willing to do what it takes - I don't know that it will ever truly appeal to us.  In the meantime, we have other people's kids to love, and that's perfectly OK with me.

On a last note, here are a few of the things about pregnancy that make me want to adopt if we ever do decide to be parents: http://www.cracked.com/article_19298_7-terrifying-things-they-dont-tell-you-about-pregnancy.html

Expectations.

Confession: I struggle with high expectations.  

On the one hand, I really WANT to have high expectations of people in my life.  I know I can give a great deal to someone I care about, and I think that if I value myself, I will retain my high expectations of those in my life.

On the other hand, high expectations have been the source of a great deal of pain and disappointment for me.  In fairly recent times, I have been severely disappointed in people I expected to be terrific friends, and they turned out to be completely un-caring jerks.  Was the situation their fault for being terrible friends, or my fault for ever expecting them to be good ones?  

There are two people in my life who I know deserve and can achieve wonderful futures for themselves, but they both insist on lowering themselves for crappy partners and crappy cities.  Does the situation hurt me because they are making bad decisions, or because I expect them to make good ones?

I've always had a problem with birthdays - I would put monster effort into making someone feel special, so I expected them to do the same for me, so - you guessed it - I ended up having a lot of really bad birthdays.  And this year, I expected nothing.  So the simple acts of girlfriends paying for my dinner, Wes cooking for me, family making me lunch and cupcakes, and friends going out with me or sending me a sweet gift really felt nice - warm fuzzies.  


In the end, sometimes people do suck at being friends.  They can be self-centered and careless.  They can make bad decisions and make you want to throw up your hands and walk away.  But I can't control other people.  I can't always control how people make me feel.  But I can work on controlling my expectations.  It's sort of chicken-and-egg-ish, really.  Instead of expecting something great from people and being hurt when it doesn't come, maybe I should just live my life, and when someone naturally exceeds expectations as a friend, then I can be sure I appreciate that person fully.  


Yes, it's scary - even the thought of letting go of my expectations makes me feel a little panicked.  "What if people never meet them?  What if I am totally unhappy because people never step up?  What if my life and hopes for good relationships totally go to crap?"  


Here's hoping I can conquer this fear, be able to appreciate the people who show they deserve to be appreciated, and be able to just disengage my emotions from people who only seem to let me down.  I am hoping for a future in which I am happy without expecting much from others, so when they do give, I am genuinely happy and impressed by it.