After our trip to Jacksonville to check out the city and the details of the new position I was being considered for, we came home and let everything sink in to see how we really felt about it.
Luckily, we were both on the same page - we could rationalize any decision, concentrate on the money, the advancement, the proximity to the beach, etc. But in the end, our GUTS both said no, we wouldn't be happy with the decision to move for this job. That was really all the reassurance I needed. The harder part was overcoming my fear of disappointing the people in my company who have believed in me and promoted me. I hope I can be gracious enough that they understand I WANT to grow, but not if it costs my family (being me, Wes and the animals) our happiness.
At the same time, the entire process is making me consider all sorts of things.
Can I make money doing something I can feel proud of?
How important is community and WHERE we live in the equation of us feeling fulfilled and happy?
I realize that happiness isn't something that can be chased and caught, like some exotic bird. There is no "two plus two equals four" to happiness. You are happy, or you are not. But can one simply decide to be? I don't think it's that simple.
I learned a few years ago that love can be defined as our response to our highest values. If I apply that to life (instead of just to people), it stands to reason that if my life aligns with what I value the most, I will love it, right?
The thought process continues...
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Simple...
In the middle of one of the most hectic times in my life, I often yearn for something simple.
...to not measure time. To wake up with the sun, when it feels natural. To sit on a front porch and watch. Just watch. Notice. Think.
Why does no one seem to value these simple acts any more?
"Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time." - Georgia O'Keefe
...to not measure time. To wake up with the sun, when it feels natural. To sit on a front porch and watch. Just watch. Notice. Think.
Why does no one seem to value these simple acts any more?
"Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time." - Georgia O'Keefe
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Money and happiness...
...are not the same thing at all.
"A Real Life" (book I am reading) is putting things into perspective a bit - I haven't really considered that despite our MUCH larger debts, larger houses, more cars, and more THINGS in general, we, as a society, are much less happy than we were 100 years ago. We believe our quality of life has been much improved...while I am not suggesting we all live as we did a century ago, I admit we seem to be going the wrong way as a society. Scary. I see people around me who have chased money and career, and are very obviously unhappy - and I worry about making that mistake.
With all our connectivity, we are isolated, most of us are lonely. Why? It seems so counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Over the past century (or two, I have no real measure), we have become less and less focused on relationships. This is evidenced by the way we spend our time (staring at TVs, video games, and even my weakness - books) and our money (on more stuff!) - these things don't promote our relationships - REAL ones - at all. By real ones, I mean relationships in which we share dreams, fears, concerns, and joys - open and vulnerable relationships that don't need entertainment to thrive, they only need each other. How many of those do we even have?
I am preaching to myself - I spend whole nights with my own husband simply watching TV, and then wonder why we don't feel close. Being in the same room doesn't make us connected at all - in fact, that much time close to someone that involves no true sharing and focused attention on each other could actually drive us apart over time. Something we need to work on...
More to come as I think about this.
"A Real Life" (book I am reading) is putting things into perspective a bit - I haven't really considered that despite our MUCH larger debts, larger houses, more cars, and more THINGS in general, we, as a society, are much less happy than we were 100 years ago. We believe our quality of life has been much improved...while I am not suggesting we all live as we did a century ago, I admit we seem to be going the wrong way as a society. Scary. I see people around me who have chased money and career, and are very obviously unhappy - and I worry about making that mistake.
With all our connectivity, we are isolated, most of us are lonely. Why? It seems so counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Over the past century (or two, I have no real measure), we have become less and less focused on relationships. This is evidenced by the way we spend our time (staring at TVs, video games, and even my weakness - books) and our money (on more stuff!) - these things don't promote our relationships - REAL ones - at all. By real ones, I mean relationships in which we share dreams, fears, concerns, and joys - open and vulnerable relationships that don't need entertainment to thrive, they only need each other. How many of those do we even have?
I am preaching to myself - I spend whole nights with my own husband simply watching TV, and then wonder why we don't feel close. Being in the same room doesn't make us connected at all - in fact, that much time close to someone that involves no true sharing and focused attention on each other could actually drive us apart over time. Something we need to work on...
More to come as I think about this.
Checking out Jacksonville...
My first day of Jacksonville exploration:
A. Land at airport.
B. Head to hotel at Atlantic/Neptune Beach, first thing I see is factory smokestacks - yuck.
C. Second thing I see is a lot of old and some new over-commercialized big-box retail - yuck again. That may seem odd since I work in the industry, but it's not my cup of tea when choosing possible places to live.
D. Check into hotel - very nice and plush, lovely services included, right on the beach.
E. Drive to Riverside and Avondale to check out the areas - more walkable, bungalow houses, sidewalks - I actually liked it. Had lunch at The Cozy Tea, a proper sweet tea house. Also discovered some great boutiques and a small/independent movie theater! Very nice.
F. Drove to San Marco to check out that area - similar to Riverside, but a tiny bit less walkable, but some cute houses.
G. Headed back to my hotel, feeling a bit better about finding a possible nice place to live that's close to the JAX office - IF the job is a fit.
H. Watch Lord of the Rings in hotel for a bit, cry.
I. Walk on the beach.
J. Have a margarita and some shrimp at a beach bar, on the upstairs patio. Read a book.
K. Random girls invite me to hang out with them since I am alone - I was about to leave, so we didn't hang out, but it was very friendly of them.
L. Come to hotel, wash the day off, get into PJ's - ahhhh.
M. Discover Harry Potter movies on TV - evening complete, with the Milano cookies that the docent put in the room because I love them!
Not a bad day. Tomorrow, Wes and I are off to explore some more...
A. Land at airport.
B. Head to hotel at Atlantic/Neptune Beach, first thing I see is factory smokestacks - yuck.
C. Second thing I see is a lot of old and some new over-commercialized big-box retail - yuck again. That may seem odd since I work in the industry, but it's not my cup of tea when choosing possible places to live.
D. Check into hotel - very nice and plush, lovely services included, right on the beach.
E. Drive to Riverside and Avondale to check out the areas - more walkable, bungalow houses, sidewalks - I actually liked it. Had lunch at The Cozy Tea, a proper sweet tea house. Also discovered some great boutiques and a small/independent movie theater! Very nice.
F. Drove to San Marco to check out that area - similar to Riverside, but a tiny bit less walkable, but some cute houses.
G. Headed back to my hotel, feeling a bit better about finding a possible nice place to live that's close to the JAX office - IF the job is a fit.
H. Watch Lord of the Rings in hotel for a bit, cry.
I. Walk on the beach.
J. Have a margarita and some shrimp at a beach bar, on the upstairs patio. Read a book.
K. Random girls invite me to hang out with them since I am alone - I was about to leave, so we didn't hang out, but it was very friendly of them.
L. Come to hotel, wash the day off, get into PJ's - ahhhh.
M. Discover Harry Potter movies on TV - evening complete, with the Milano cookies that the docent put in the room because I love them!
Not a bad day. Tomorrow, Wes and I are off to explore some more...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The right place?
I am having a slightly tough week. Or maybe really tough. My brain is totally weighed down. I feel stressed, but the type of stressed where I want to sleep, zone out, be a hermit. I hope that doesn't sound like being depressed. I hope I'm not depressed. That would be depressing.
There's no one singular reason for my general lack of well-being right now - it's probably a mix of lots of things. Men are like waffles (they can compartmentalize into small boxes, nothing affecting anything else), women are like spaghetti (everything is tied together in one large hunk of issues)...
But I think the root of my problem is that I don't feel like I am in the right PLACE. I've known for years that Atlanta isn't the most fitting city for me/us, but I've always been willing to accept and make the best of our time here for now.
Then, I was recently offered the opportunity for promotion/advancement within my company. The promotion involves a 2012 move to Jacksonville, Florida. I have been considering the position and the logistics of moving for a couple of weeks now...and the more I think about it, the less I want to go. I have zero desire to be in Jacksonville. I enjoy the occasional day on the beach, but I am learning I am really not a beach person, or even a pool person - not on an everyday basis, anyway. I like cities. I like villages. I like greenery and gardens and parks set in the middle of walkable areas. I like history, and life happening around me, but having a haven in the middle of all that life.
I am having a hard time reconciling my desire to make more money with my desire to NOT live in Jacksonville (for a variety of reasons - commute, the city itself, the office environment there, etc.). By complete chance, I just won and received a book from GoodReads - a book called "A Real Life" - a book about the fact that our lives have become centered on money and things instead of real happiness - peace, rest, intellectual stimulation, friends, etc. It couldn't have come at a more fitting time - the one time I am heavily debating lifestyle preferences vs. money and career advancement.
So, we (myself and Wes) are traveling to Jacksonville this weekend to check out the area and discuss the position with the Jacksonville team. But my gut tells me it's just not right.
However - my general feelings of discontent right now go deeper than this job question. My gut tells me we're not in the right place at all. I don't know where the right place is. I am only truly drawn to (A) Europe or (B) colonial cities in the US. I am not sure my husband is drawn to either, while my heart is literally crying out to go. I dream about being elsewhere. I consider totally beginning again in a new place with a bookstore job, or a receptionist position, or something equally small. Simply being in the right environment seems like utter bliss to me. My heart says that if I could get to the truly right place for us, I could be so content outside of money or career, and inside the things that really matter - the quiet moments, the friendships we develop, the time spent just enjoying the world with my husband.
At the same time, my brain tells me there's a lot to consider about moving to a new city or a new country.
Heart or head? Heart or head? My feelings have evolved from feeling like we'd simply FIT better in another place, to really feeling like we're not in the right place now. I am just struggling with how to address the issue.
There's no one singular reason for my general lack of well-being right now - it's probably a mix of lots of things. Men are like waffles (they can compartmentalize into small boxes, nothing affecting anything else), women are like spaghetti (everything is tied together in one large hunk of issues)...
But I think the root of my problem is that I don't feel like I am in the right PLACE. I've known for years that Atlanta isn't the most fitting city for me/us, but I've always been willing to accept and make the best of our time here for now.
Then, I was recently offered the opportunity for promotion/advancement within my company. The promotion involves a 2012 move to Jacksonville, Florida. I have been considering the position and the logistics of moving for a couple of weeks now...and the more I think about it, the less I want to go. I have zero desire to be in Jacksonville. I enjoy the occasional day on the beach, but I am learning I am really not a beach person, or even a pool person - not on an everyday basis, anyway. I like cities. I like villages. I like greenery and gardens and parks set in the middle of walkable areas. I like history, and life happening around me, but having a haven in the middle of all that life.
I am having a hard time reconciling my desire to make more money with my desire to NOT live in Jacksonville (for a variety of reasons - commute, the city itself, the office environment there, etc.). By complete chance, I just won and received a book from GoodReads - a book called "A Real Life" - a book about the fact that our lives have become centered on money and things instead of real happiness - peace, rest, intellectual stimulation, friends, etc. It couldn't have come at a more fitting time - the one time I am heavily debating lifestyle preferences vs. money and career advancement.
So, we (myself and Wes) are traveling to Jacksonville this weekend to check out the area and discuss the position with the Jacksonville team. But my gut tells me it's just not right.
However - my general feelings of discontent right now go deeper than this job question. My gut tells me we're not in the right place at all. I don't know where the right place is. I am only truly drawn to (A) Europe or (B) colonial cities in the US. I am not sure my husband is drawn to either, while my heart is literally crying out to go. I dream about being elsewhere. I consider totally beginning again in a new place with a bookstore job, or a receptionist position, or something equally small. Simply being in the right environment seems like utter bliss to me. My heart says that if I could get to the truly right place for us, I could be so content outside of money or career, and inside the things that really matter - the quiet moments, the friendships we develop, the time spent just enjoying the world with my husband.
At the same time, my brain tells me there's a lot to consider about moving to a new city or a new country.
Heart or head? Heart or head? My feelings have evolved from feeling like we'd simply FIT better in another place, to really feeling like we're not in the right place now. I am just struggling with how to address the issue.
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