This is a confession, and not a very pretty one.

Maybe I try too hard, maybe I don't try hard enough.  I can't put my finger on it.  When I consider the people in my life, I mostly see friends - people - I wish I was close to.  I sometimes think we're close, only to realize one day that they speak to other friends daily - not so with me.  Or they spend comfortable one-on-one time with others - not so with me.  That we just don't have the same emotional quality between us that others do.  Either we ARE friends, and my definition is just incorrect and I'm just reading too much into things....or maybe my gut is right, and we're really not true friends.  I am leaning toward the latter.

I am beginning to think I am hard to love.  Or that I am hard, period.  Half of me is happy about this, and the other half is unsure.  I know women want to be seen as strong, but soft, kind, compassionate, forgiving, easy to love.  I am not sure I embody those qualities in the best ways.  I am not good at feeling pity for others.  I get annoyed with people who can't manage their own lives and time well, because I know that I can manage my own.  I do not readily accept excuses or reasons.  If someone breaks their word, my trust in them dissipates almost immediately.  When people choose paths that I don't feel are beneficial to their lives, I cringe at that choice, and I don't feel the need to keep chasing them, keep trying to be close to them, keep trying to love them and have them love me.  I always feel that if a friendship is meant to be, it will be.  And the more I spend time with people who it is just not happening with, the more I wonder if I am wasting my time.  I know the logical thing is to keep trying to be a good friend.  But logical does not always feel right - am I trying too hard, or not trying hard enough?

You can not create love between people.  It exists, or it does not.  I am tired of pursuing.  Pursuing all the time with nothing in return breeds bitterness, and I can feel myself getting bitter.  It bothers me, and yet, I step back and know that there is no reason to let this get me down. 

It's almost like that book "He's Just Not That Into You" - but more applied to friends than lovers.  If someone cares and wants to be close to you, they'll do what it takes; they'll show it.  If they don't, stop concerning yourself with them.  Move on.

So, I am attempting to take my own advice.  I do not feel sorry for myself at all, not really sad.  I am just trying to realize what is true.  I see others who always imagine that they are one type of person, but they're always struggling, because that person they imagine never comes to be.  I'd rather be nakedly honest about exactly who and what I am, and be able to live from an honest place, however I need to.

Maybe I am just an in-between person.  Maybe I was not meant for soul-mate close friendships with others. (Wes being the exception, of course.)  Maybe I am the facilitator, the planner, the arranger.  Maybe I am meant to give others their chances to meet best friends, but not to truly have my own.  

In-between.

Reading through time.

I love this website: http://www.histfiction.net/

I have decided to "read through time" - so I can basically watch the world grow and change through time as I read each one.  I have already read:

"Dazzling Brightness" - Greek Mythology (5000 B.C.)

"Empire Rising" - Bronze Age/Mesopotamia/the beginning of civilized cities (3157 B.C.)

"Dawn of Empire" - not on the list, but it followed "Empire Rising" - same characters

"Akhenaten: Dweller in Truth" - ancient Egypt (1540 B.C.)

Next, I am reading "The Egyptian"

I know I am a nerd, but I am enjoying this a LOT.  When I am finished, I will have read through most of the world's development - yee haw!

say yes.

I am having issues with something.  I am learning that I am fundamentally different than some people in my life, and I am not quite sure how to handle it.

I thrive on saying yes.  When the chance to try something new, experience something, see something comes my way, even if it's outside my comfort zone and even if I am not sure I will enjoy it, I still want to say yes to it, at least once.  I want to live my life knowing I have been open to most everything.  I would rather be slightly tired and very busy and know I have lived a full life.


I find myself struggling with those around me who are the opposite.  When given the perfect chance to do new things, they decide to go home instead, or just skip out and stay in their comfort zone.  For a while, it just bothered me.  Now I am starting to realize it's just a fundamental difference between us, and one I have a lot of internal trouble with.  I don't know how to truly love and connect with these (what I call) "no" people.  I WANT to, but it actually hurts me and pulls me down.  


It is not that I can't connect with people who are unlike myself.  Wes and I are complete opposites, truly.  But we encourage each other to grow, to be better.  We are always open to new things.  Our comfort zone is very large, and we know there's nothing wrong with trying things and not liking them - that's just life.  We are not afraid of trying and failing, but we ARE afraid of not trying.  


I look at some of the people in my life and I think - if they continue living in this complacent way for years - if something ever happens - they get into a bad accident, or they get cancer and don't have that long to live - they will regret so much.  That they never experienced things, even things they could drive to in a day.  That they had the time, health, ability, but they never traveled anywhere.  That they never tried new hobbies even once.  That they chose to stay home when there were a thousand new places they could have been.  That they never read any new genre of book, never tried their hand at art or went to see someone in another state even though they could.  It's incredibly sad.  

I want to always know, in my heart, that my life can always get better, every day.  I can create that, and I choose to create it.  I want to know that my best days are always ahead of me, even when I am 80 and enjoy different things than I do today.  If you believe your life was at its best in the past, you are living a sad life, and I never want to do that.

Maybe I am the minority.  Maybe I am not considerate enough of people's preferences and fears.  But I know myself, and I know I can not be close (in my heart) to those who I do not share this with - it is the very core of myself and my life.  I don't want to fight it.  I don't want to chase people who just want to stay the way they are now forever.  I don't want to feel sad and hurt and exhausted from worrying that they will have regrets.  

Perhaps the best I can hope for is that living my life saying yes will help others to do the same....and even if it does not, I can not regret a thing about my life.  I just hope the people I love can say the same.